By Jaron Zanerhaft
Since the dawn of time, our ancestors believed in powers beyond the limits of our senses. When Prehistoric Man found himself on the brink of self-awareness, he forged within the fires of his very soul a single gesture that contained the power to unite all people and maintain peace in the world. And when the gesture was complete, Man named it… Chai Five! It was a blessing of unfathomable strength, a potent force of untold skill. However, the power of Chai Five! proved too strong for early Man to wield, and the gesture was lost for many ages. Throughout time, Chai Five! has appeared briefly, testing our species to see if we were ready for its mighty and awesome gift.
In Biblical Egypt, Moses invoked Chai Five! on his 9th try to free the Hebrew slaves. Unfortunately it backfired and a plague of darkness ensued. Chai Five! next surfaced in Ancient Rome circa 435 A.D. when Emperor Valentinian III attempted to congratulate one of his Gladiators with a gesture greater than “thumbs up.” But Mankind was still not ready, and Chai Five! collapsed much of the Coliseum into rubble. Most recently, the Chai Five! was called upon by a young John Lennon who, in 1960, heeded the world’s outcry for a band to champion in an era of love. Though initially successful, Chai Five! broke in 1969, leaving in its wake more crappy cover bands than the world had ever known.
But now the time has come for Chai Five! to clap again! At long last, we have reached the apex of anticipation. The air has never been more ripe, the universe never more fertile for a new age. Chai Five! has completed its incubation so that it may bequeath its jubilance upon us. And of all the worthy hands by which to gesticulate Chai Five! into being, it has chosen two— yours and ours. Yes, we cannot Chai Five! alone, so, believing that the time of Chai Five! is here, we have exposed our open palm to you. You have but only to slap it with yours to bring into being paradise beyond the farthest borders of imagination. The choice is yours— Will you Chai Five!?
* No actual Chai Five!s were documented to have influenced the historical events contained within this blog. It is purely the speculation and
opinion of the author that these occurrences are too radically similar to not have shared in common Chai Five!.
- Project Chai Five (beittshuvah.wordpress.com)