By M. Alexander
The rotation of our globe has stopped. Progress is impossible. All humans have been paralyzed by aggression and impatience. Does this sound like the rapture, armageddon, the apocalypse, judgment day, or 2012? It’s actually a description of the coming weekend. The fated days—July 16th and July 17th, 2011. The location of this apocalyptic nightmare—Los Angeles.
This weekend has been dramatically dubbed “Carmageddon.” Others have christened it the “Carpocalypse.” The source of this lurid allusion—The 405 will be shut down between the 10 and the 101.
News sources have suggested that we should avoid canyon roads— Sepulveda Boulevard, Beverly Glen Boulevard, Benedict Canyon Drive, Coldwater Canyon Drive, Laurel Canyon Boulevard and Cahuenga Boulevard. We should also avoid Topanga Canyon Boulevard, Cloverfield Boulevard and 4th and 5th streets. The Harbor Freeway, though 12 miles East of the epicenter, may also be treacherously gridlocked. The point? Avoid all streets. Even the helicopter landing pads are expecting heavy traffic.
Basically, if you want to go over the hill, plan to arrive by Labor Day. If you plan on going to a movie, make sure it’s a late-season Oscar contender. Don’t go anywhere. For anything. At all.
Don’t drive. Don’t fly. Just sit down, lie back, and microwave some hot pockets. As addicts and as Angelenos, it’s difficult for us to do nothing—only our minds to occupy us. Treat this as a learning experience.
For those of us in recovery, this weekend will challenge all the virtues we strive to attain. Patience. Love. Kindness. Acceptance. In AA, we attempt to “cease fighting anyone and everyone.” On the road, we may have the urge to fight everybody and anybody. Take a moment; realize it’s just one giant pileup. Plaster the serenity prayer on your dashboard if you plan on defying my advice and getting into your boat to cross the River Styx. And please, leave your golf clubs at home, lest you pull a Johnny Drama on the PCH.