By John Sullivan
I looked down at the metal shackles secured to my wrists and thought to myself, this is the last time I ever have to be in cuffs. I was on a LA County Sheriff’s bus heading to Men’s Central Jail from Wayside Jail and the next day I was released to Beit T’Shuvah.
Two weeks prior I was in court facing a non-drug related charge, which could easily curb my appeal for a drug program and line me up for another tour of state prison. I found myself staring at my Public Defender through the glass in the attorney-visiting cell just outside the courtroom while she rambled on about her gallant efforts to “get me a program”. Did I mention I have over 20 convictions and I just happened to be in front of this same judge one-month prior on another case? Her efforts had better be gallant with my history!
So out to battle she went while I paced the cell awaiting my fate. Half an hour later she returned, telling me the DA would not budge and I was on my way back to the joint. Oh joy! I instantly changed from “hopeful”, “this time I’ll get sober” and “please God help me one last time”, to “f@#k this, f@#k the world and f@#k me”. My Public “Pretender” slid the court documents under the window for me and I signed the conviction order. With a reframed attitude I snatched them rudely from her, initialed all the boxes and angrily scribbled my name on the dotted line.
The Deputy noticed my bad attitude, removed me from the attorney-visiting cell and placed me in one by myself. Once inside I threw my book at the wall and screamed with anger. I was going back and I was one step closer to a life of endless misery. I really didn’t know what was best for me; maybe prison was better for me than a program? Maybe a program would have been better for me than prison? All these questions were bouncing around in my head and then out of nowhere – for some reason I still do not understand today – I calmed down, took a deep breath and for the first time in my life entered into a real conversation with my Maker. No, not like the hundreds of pleas to Him to get me out of trouble in the past, but a very real attitude of humility and surrender had over taken me. I told God I didn’t know what was best for my life and that I was okay with what ever path He wanted for me.
After another hour or two had passed the Deputy cracked the cell door and told me my attorney wanted to speak with me. I went back in to see her and she said to me, “The DA changed his mind”. I thought she meant he wanted to give me more time but then I heard her say, “He wants to send you to a program”. What the hell? I thought it was a done deal; I had signed the papers, I had become a two-time loser, I was one step closer to a life trapped in the revolving doors of addiction and the justice system. But I had also surrendered to God and God definitely had taken notice.
Back to that bus ride, I really believed I never had to be shackled again and since then I haven’t been. With the help of Beit T’Shuvah I have embarked from a new beginning on an amazing journey of finding my passion and discovering my purpose. My relationship with God continues to grow from that moment I discovered Him in that little old jail cell. My eyes keep growing wider and wider in wonder of the miracles around me and the beauty of life. I am no longer a taker but rather I ask myself daily what I can bring to the table, to the people in my life and to the world.
Although not all of you have found a spiritual connection while sitting in a jail cell I believe it is through the pain and challenges of life we can unite with God and begin again to see through blessed eyes.
I invite the community to post comments describing your own New Beginning, whatever it may be.
Proud of you john. Youre the man
Like John, my new beginning started in a jail cell some 23+ years ago. I want to talk about new beginnings, however. They start each day. According to our Tradition, each day we are Blessed with the gift of a pure soul. Each day we can and must begin again the work of creation. I enjoy, encounter and am sustained by these new beginnings each day. I know that I am not always right in everything I do. I know that I can and must repair old damage. I also know that all of this is possible because of new beginnings. Each day I pray with and in gratitude for the return of my soul with compassion and faithfulness, the possibility to begin anew and again.
John you are truly AMAZING!
Wow John! truly a miracle, made my eyes water.
I just met with the senior Rabbi at my temple for the first time since leaving Hazelden recovery program in Center City, MN. She gave me a book called “To Begin Again”, the journey toward comfort, strength and faith in difficult times. Yes , I have been an addict for 42 yrs, but now something fundemental in me has changed. This grace is ours when we let it come to us…Shabbot Shalom!
BTW: The book was written by Naomi Levy. I recommend it.
Sully, you have helped me in so many ways. From taking me through the 12 steps to helping me develop and discover my passion for writing. Most important of all when i was new at the shuv you would wake up super early to pick me up across town and take me surfing, which has been the foundation and major part to my recovery. I want you to know i respect and admire the example of a great person you demonstrate. You are a miracle!
I too, was so much looking forward to my 22-yr old son starting the BTS program back in June, 2010. He had just been released from county jail on June 7th, after having spent the last 10 months there. Together, on June 10th, he and I visited and met the wonderful people there, from the friendly and welcoming Ryan, the first human we came in contact with there as we came through the door, to the great professional staff that met with my son and assessed him. We left that afternoon with new hope for my son. He had been told to make arrangements to be coming back to live there! Oh joy and hope! He was very much looking forward to the surf therapy program at BTS. He loved the beach and this is what finally sold him about BTS. But unfortunately, it never came to pass. We returned home that evening and he made the choice to use his drug of choice, Heroin, as well as other meds, one last time. He went to bed and then never woke up. I, his mother found him. Oh how painful it is to know that he would be there now, working on himself, and giving himself a decent chance in life. I often check the BTS website and live in the fantasy that he would be there right now, and he would have brought us pride and joy. Now it is just us, a mom, a dad, and three younger brothers devastated. Our worst nightmare that has forever altered our lives.!
Margie,
My heart goes out to you and your family. I read your words and can’t help but thinking this could have been my own mothers story. And I believe you sharing your experience with all of us, as painful as it is, will only help. Thank you for your courage.
-John
Margie,
I honor the bravery you demonstrated in telling your story. It was just what needed to hear today and reminded me of how lucky I am to have made it.
Thank You,
Jeff Hewitt
Dear John & Jeff:
Wow! Thanks so much to both of you for reading my post and commenting. As difficult as it is, it means so much to me to know that my story has helped to remind you how fortunate you are just to be alive, basically, and not to take it for granted. I pray that you both will have much success on your path to recovery. Between my son’s bi-polar disease and addictions, the cards were stacked. But he was looking forward to BTS and shared with all his friends that he was finally going to enter a program. Perhaps you would have all become friends. A mother can only imagine and dream now, right? Instead, my life is filled with sorrow, grief, and weekly support groups.
Losing my son, Mitch has taught me so much about myself and also about others who struggle with addictions. And when my son was going through his struggles, he taught me patience, tolerance, love, compassion, and understanding. It makes me sad and helpless when I see how others judge families who have lost a loved one to substance abuse. The world is full of judgemental people. I have no room nor need for those people in my life. I have a whole new perspective in life. The old Margie is gone. She died, too. The new Margie is trying to go on for the sake of her three other sons. I know first-hand the fragility of life. And I appreciate it, even through the heartbreak and never-ending emptiness in my broken heart.
So John and Jeff, always remember just how fortunate you are and appreciate your family and friends that are by your side, supporting you all the way. They all want to see you make it, and so do I! Thank you and may your life be for a blessing!
All the best now and for the future!
Margie